—fraught&fragile, it strikes me as ironic how surrender is never easy. acting in earnest to kill the mind in order to try for a ‘good nights sleep’ is quintessentially what it means to be American. use Netflix or a bottle of wine ten rounds on a video game or two Ambien or whatever. we kill ourselves to try and avoid cognitively recognizing the tragedy and heartbreak of living through a single honest day.

pacing around the courtyard for an hour, i kill time trying to figure out why i kill time. how my mind falters without stimulation. i perfectly understand the grotesque capitalism that surrounds the Market of Higher Education in America, but fuck if I don’t want to be in school again.

i say this from a patio in Spain—without hesitation. just because something is wonderful doesn’t mean it is immune to the judgment of circumstance. understanding and appreciating the context of life is difficult. as much as i’ve enjoyed this month and look forward to the next and the next, my lack of opportunity to create substantial art is consistently nagging at me: you’re doing it wrong. this is the time to build, not the time to absorb and abscond.

my next gig is in Ireland and there will be artists and musical instruments about, and later this summer likely a gig at an art community in Denmark… so I am simply trying to survive for now without an outlet. but still, it is less the lack of a studio and more that I am putting the resource of my time into transience when, for the first time ever, my heart is desiring an anchor, a place to work toward perseverance, a way to wait out the storm. i am almost ready to risk the idea of calling a place home.

Wayne showed up tonight on a rushed visit from England due to some passport complications getting in to France. he was immediately likable and fascinating; certainly a joy to talk with. he asked me for suggestions on how to get to town and where to go, and I spent ten minutes giving him bullet points instead of just putting on a fucking shirt and going out with him. i now have a night to kick myself at this unending inability to just be human.

i’m pretty sure travel is just an opportunity to find out all the different places you can be a total fuck-up in.